Read my personal financial story on how my finances affect my mindset. Because healing trauma is problematic for some people to deal with, I use my platform for transparency. I create awareness about finances and mental health. I am growing and healing through life’s obstacles. Wellness is key.
“Growing and glowing” is a mantra. Growing is a part of the humanity we live in. Growth can be full of triggers, hurt, pain, and chaos. I want to share with you what mindset growth can look like because it can appear unexpectedly.
My Financial Insecurities
In August 2021, I quit my job; after the chaos the pandemic caused, going back to work felt unnatural. Suddenly, I was shown that there is more to life than working. Every fiber of my being felt liberated, and I knew this was the right decision for me at the time.
I decided at that moment I would take care of myself like I never had before, take a few more college classes, and be present as a mother and to myself. That meant dropping and picking up my children from school and attending all the school events because that’s what they remember most.
I spent a whole year doing what I said I would do. I had the full support of my spouse; our family was taken care of financially. Yet, my biggest worry was my finances. I had worked my whole life, and I had never allowed my significant other to pay my bills. Somehow I adopted this shame that I couldn’t take care of myself. I was always worried about money during the year I was off. I realized I had a money mindset trauma.
The money was in the account, and it was apparent to the outer eye we had nothing to worry about financially. Income was coming in, and no matter how many times I feared, my husband reassured me that we had the finances to support me not working. As a matter of fact, he said to take the time you need to finish your college degree.
I carried this shame the whole year, and I did myself a huge disservice. I could not let it go. In the back of my mind, I was fearful, and I don’t know why. I think I made these things up in my head. I felt like the money we had in the bank was not mine. Every time I paid my car note with our funds, I was triggered. In reality, it was our money. I could not make the mental shift.
I dreamt of wanting to stay home, and now that I have the privilege to do so, I was self-sabotaging. A friend provided me with a great perspective. She said, “let him take care of you, and because he wants to.” As much as he was giving me permission to feel financially safe, I wouldn’t allow myself that security.
A year passed, and I was hired in a full-time in-office position. Two weeks into my new job and I felt like I had come back to work too soon, but I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity. I finally felt secure because I would be earning my own income. I was complaining to my husband about returning to work. I felt regretful and realized I had sabotaged myself in this situation again. I realized just how deep this wound I have with myself regarding money, security, finances, and unhealed trauma that has not been addressed.
I could not accept the feeling of being taken care of for the entire year I was not working. I worried myself into the nothingness that I had made up based on unhealed emotions. And look! Where am I now? Eating Humble Pie! I had it all and didn’t know how to nurture and take care of it. I was given an opportunity and a gift. There are no accidents. When life tries to grow you, one way things can pivot and grow you in a different manner.
I have money trauma to work through; this is true. My experience was used to transform me in ways I did not foresee. My current outlook on this as it is unfolding in real-time is to be patient, permit myself, and take the lesson as it comes.
I am attempting to embrace the part of me that requires attention through shadow work. I can have all the money in the bank, but I see now I am operating from a low vibrational lack mindset. I will make every intentional effort to remove the resistance I have felt to allow myself the awareness to grow through these moments. This is what healing and growing look like, sometimes.
I challenge you to look within yourself to find the narrative you have been telling yourself that is not true. Peel back the layers to uncover what wants to blossom from your inner work. Self-reflection through shadow work is the path to healing and manifesting new ideals.
Mantra
I am well
I am secure
I am safe
